Becoming Dad

 

So this has been the most surreal 6-7 months of my life, your partner basically pees on a stick and 30 seconds later your life, outlook and financial stability all change. So I’m going to talk about life since I found out I was becoming dad.

Baby shit is dear – but it doesn’t matter; because you want that little thing to have the best start, the best start in life you can possibly give it, so you don’t even look at the price, you just check what rating it got on WHICH? and if its in the top 3 you buy it. You don’t even check your account, you just sign for it, it’s like you are not in control of your own body.

You don’t sleep – well I don’t because if I hear Lauren make a noise I shit myself…I have never done this before and even though I feel ready and quite prepared, there were still some things I needed to research, like;

• if Lauren rolls onto her belly will the baby suffocate? – I know this might seem mad but seriously, I can’t be the only person to think this
• what if Lauren falls out of bed, Lauren has never fallen out of bed, but maybe, by some miracle this baby has altered her sleeping regieme (she hasn’t fallen out of bed btw)
• Toilet breaks – your partner will average three a night, meaning you will wake… three times a night because they don’t move like a ninja in the night, rather like an elephant who has just seen a mouse

Your Priorities change – I used to use my spare time to watch movies, look at potential holidays or just basically do nothing…but justify it by any means possible when Lauren asks what I’ve done all day… NOW, I use YouTube, a lot, not for music, or to catch up on a missed episode of The Flash…no, now I find myself checking if Tommy Tippee really is that good, or I research which books are better linked to children becoming child geniuses…or, and I even did this, I’ve researched Peppa Pigs family, not only George, I even know Mr. Elephant

Education – so we have signed up to Prenatal classes in Belfast, these are actually very good and I would recommend, however they should come with a disclaimer – never has the word ‘plug’ struck so much fear into a group of males. When that term was both introduced and explained, we all just sat there, afraid to make eye contact with fellow males, afraid that the midwife might ask us a question, I can tell you one thing for sure, I could paint those floor tiles…Silence of the Males

Bumps – believe me, as I am living proof, the term ‘eating for two’ will apply to both sexes, because, unless you have the will power of a Franciscan Monk there is no way in Hell you are going to sit back while she eats a tub of ice cream, needs a midnight McDonalds (other burger joints are available) or decides that a multi pack of Kinder Beunos is just for one, you’re bump/belly will grow too, thus the birth of; The DadBod

No one asks how you are – yip, you are not important anymore, males are obsolete once female is with child, each day I go to work, I enter the office, I hear the same things;

“How’s Lauren”

“Is bump good”

“Is she breach” wtf does that even mean?

“How far is she”

“is your mum excited, I bet your mum’s excited”

We are not as important as we once thought…but that’s OK because when your partner, girlfriend or wife is expecting, you soon realise that you aren’t the most important thing, she’s the most important thing for the next nine months and then…well I don’t know what happens next but I’ll be sure to let you know…

P.S. all of our stuff arrives on Monday from Mamas & Papas, so I’ll probably do a run down of  some of the things we’ve got that have got us really excited and financially insecure

Conor